The Melancholy for Can’t-Be and The Nostalgia for Never-Was

I met him online. His profile was empty and I was very wary in the beginning but we connected very quickly. He sent me some really interesting pictures – while he was good-looking, he seemed like he’d be comfortable in an office, outdoors or in a psych ward. Very versatile.  We finally met up for coffee and spent a couple of hours just talking. As he was leaving, he shook my hand then held on to my shoulder, rubbed for a minute like he couldn’t let me go and looked into my eyes. I froze. I have never been one for public displays of affection and when it comes to PDAs of the gay kind, I shut down entirely. But when he touched me, right in the middle of a train station, I felt like there was no one else there – only the two of us. I looked into his eyes and saw the longing I felt for him being returned. I didn’t want him to let go either. We met up for coffee many times after that and finally started dating. We both liked each other but neither was in a place where a relationship of any kind was possible, he because he’d recently come out of a relationship where his ex moved to a different country, and I because there are so many things going on in my life now that I am unable to settle down.

While I would never admit to it in public, I believe in the power of connections and would commit to something if I felt strongly enough about it. However like Lady Gaga once said: “If you’re wondering which way to go, remember that your career will never wake up and tell you that it doesn’t love you anymore.”

 

You Can Never Win The Sexual Numbers Game

My ex and I started talking after his birthday. I made the first move – called him up, sent him a gift that he really liked (I know him that well) . Everything seemed to be going well. We would chat every couple of days about life, work etc. It was nice to talk without all the drama of being in a relationship and I saw some of the qualities that made me like him in the first place.Eventually he came into town and we met up for a chat which then turned into having hot coffee. To keep it short, I’d say the coffee was so good I could write a sonnet about it.

Anyway we talked about the things that went wrong, including the fact that we both cheated on each other (nothing new there). All of a sudden, he wanted to know just how many people I had slept with while we were together. I was taken aback by this, considering I didn’t think it was important and he had already showed an inability to deal with sexual numbers. After days of constantly harassing via phone and social media, I capitulated and told him. While it was by no means a huge amount, it was more than his and he went into a rage, called me all sorts of names, said he was very disappointed in me, that I had made him look stupid. After that he stopped responding to my messages and proceeded to put up posts on Facebook about getting out of horrible situations, or not knowing how bad someone is until you meet a better person. While I’m not saying that that I’m reason for the posts, I cannot find any other reason for this new theme. Ah well…

If I didn’t know then that I was making the right decision, I now know that I am. Conflicts are hard, life in general is hard and we shouldn’t quarrel or hold grudges if there is at all the possibility of settling things. I’ve not been a serious Christian in a while but one of the things that I hold dear settling things and not bearing grudges, regardless of whose fault the issue at hand is. At this point, I think we both messed up but if he feels I hurt him more, I see no reason not to say sorry. It doesn’t mean that I think the fault is all mine, I just think it’s the right thing to do. Occasionally I struggle with the feeling that my emotional responses are not deep enough and this time I feel that I’m not sorry enough for what I did even though I feel terrible about it (I’m not sure if this makes sense). Even after sending him messages and trying to call him, he has so far ignored me. I think it’s really over now. Though I feel a bit sad, I don’t feel a twinge of regret. As I’m moving to a different country for a while, we won’t have to see each other for some time so maybe it will be easier for both us to sort out our feelings.

But now I find myself taking a break from packing my things because I found something he gave me which I know I don’t need but I can’t seem to part with. I wish I could be completely over him right now and not have to freeze when I run into situations like this.

 

Now That The Holidays Are Over..

Christmas holidays..I dread them. Usually I’m not a fan of holidays in general – airports and bus stations are full, tickets are ultra expensive, traffic is crazy and a lot of people act like they left their brains at home before leaving for town. This year though I didn’t plan on going to see my folks but caved in finally and I’m glad I did. It was fun to see everyone again and just generally be with family. My waist line also enjoyed the break since on my way out I couldn’t fit into the jeans I came with and had to buy a new pair. What wasn’t fun however was the constant litany of “when are you going to get married?”

 

How NOT To Win Friends and Influence People

Friends are hard to come by and for some reason, good friends who are gay are even harder. Yes, everyone says that being gay isn’t enough reason to be friends with someone – people need to have other things in common to be friends and while that is indeed true, I find that true friends who are gay are ridiculously difficult to find regardless of the magnitude of compatibility on the friendship scale. The backstabbing, the gossip, the cattiness,the love of gayscapades – these are things that I cannot handle all the time and so I keep to myself and treasure the few friends that I have who see life as more than just a stage to show off how much drama they can create. 

 

Growing Pains

I had a very enlightening conversation with a 60 year-old friend which bordered on frightening. It made me think hard about the direction my life is taking and the sort of problems I’d like to avoid should I make it to his age.

 

Single Again

Major issue that I’m facing: to marry a woman or not to marry.

Fact.

Very few guys consider the possibility of being in a stable relationship with another man. I always used to think that with me, it would be different. However after another failed relationship (this one crashed even before it  took off) I’m coming to the realization that men truly cannot compromise or allow another man to have their way. Even the most effeminate guy won’t tolerate crap from another man. On the other hand, women always try hard to make it work. Faced with the prospect of being alone,  I guess most men would choose to marry a women who will stick with them. Sometimes gay relationships are just too heart-breaking.

I just became single again even though I’m not even sure if what I had would be considered a ‘relationship’ at all. I really should have heeded the alarm bells that went off in my head when he suggested we leave it ‘undefined’ when we started hanging out but I didn’t.  Next time I will try to keep my mind in the driver’s seat.