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Category Archives: Love is a Battlefield

The Melancholy for Can’t-Be and The Nostalgia for Never-Was

White Bouquet by Rotimi Fani-KayodeI met him online. His profile was empty and I was very wary in the beginning but we connected very quickly. He sent me some really interesting pictures – while he was good-looking, he seemed like he’d be comfortable in an office, outdoors or in a psych ward. Very versatile.  We finally met up for coffee and spent a couple of hours just talking. As he was leaving, he shook my hand then held on to my shoulder, rubbed for a minute like he couldn’t let me go and looked into my eyes. I froze. I have never been one for public displays of affection and when it comes to PDAs of the gay kind, I shut down entirely. But when he touched me, right in the middle of a train station, I felt like there was no one else there – only the two of us. I looked into his eyes and saw the longing I felt for him being returned. I didn’t want him to let go either. We met up for coffee many times after that and finally started dating. We both liked each other but neither was in a place where a relationship of any kind was possible, he because he’d recently come out of a relationship where his ex moved to a different country, and I because there are so many things going on in my life now that I am unable to settle down.

While I would never admit to it in public, I believe in the power of connections and would commit to something if I felt strongly enough about it. However like Lady Gaga once said: “If you’re wondering which way to go, remember that your career will never wake up and tell you that it doesn’t love you anymore.” Read the rest of this entry »

 
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Posted by on October 20, 2014 in Love is a Battlefield, Uncategorized

 

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Warm Bodies

Source: www.JohnCoulthart.com

Manikin by Paul Cadmus. Source: http://www.JohnCoulthart.com

My therapist finally raised the topic of relationships. She began by asking if I was okay discussing the details with her. After mulling it over for a minute, I realised I didn’t care. Sure she was heterosexual and there was some resistance on my part initially about discussing such issues, she is a therapist and everything said within the four walls of that room are confidential. In any case, I do know that I’d rather have a female therapist than a male one (unless he’s gay – then he would go to the top of the list!). After talking about my ex (enough said) I told her I was seeing someone casually and she asked if he made me happy. While I answered that he did for now, inside I wasn’t sure.

Read the rest of this entry »

 
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Posted by on January 31, 2014 in Love is a Battlefield, Uncategorized

 

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An Evening With A Scoundrel

ScoundrelBeing single and without friends in a new city can be tough. Meeting men isn’t especially in a place like London. I recently met a slightly older gentleman who was very hot, friendly and funny (humour is a big thing where I’m concerned). We had drinks a few times and danced the horizontal cha-cha. It was all very casual but he was beginning to get serious, calling and texting all the time and I wasn’t sure if I was into him that much (for reasons that will be discussed later). I let him know subtly that I wasn’t where he seemed to be but I wasn’t sure if he understood completely. However I actually enjoyed talking to him a lot and we continued to meet up for coffee (but without any more dancing). Anyway a few days ago he invited me out for drinks with a few of his friends. It was a fun evening and as things were winding down we were joined by a very good-looking, slender young man who sat next to him, not saying much. The evening took a very interesting turn from then on. Read the rest of this entry »

 
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Posted by on January 12, 2014 in Love is a Battlefield

 

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New Rules of Engagement

penguinsI remember the last time I saw him: he had spent a few days at my place and was leaving. While we held each other for a few minutes. I looked across the room into the mirror, looked at the both us and felt at peace. I keep wondering why everything had to turn sour. One of the things I didn’t envision was how much  the changes in my life would affect me after becoming single again. Even though we didn’t really live together and it was a bit strained at the end, I find that I miss the little things: having someone to talk to at the end of the day, someone who is in your corner all the time yet can tell you the truth when you’re messing up. Or even just waking up to see a message from him and knowing that no matter how bad your day is, he’ll be there at the end of it. I’m so used to talking to him everyday that I feel a bit lost. My friends tell me I need to go out and have fun and by fun they mean sex, but I’m not even interested in getting down. I want to close my eyes and wake up without feelings of failure and doubt, among others.

He asked me the day after we broke up why I “threw him away” if I did indeed feel as strongly as I claimed to, why I didn’t want to work on us. After I thought about it – the idea of working through our problems via phone calls and text, as well as the actual problems themselves – I realised that I had made the right choice. I tried to check up on him for a few days but after receiving one-word replies, I have decided to let him be. His birthday is a few days away and I’m not sure if it’s acceptable for me to call or text or just not say anything. I bought him a birthday present months ago but now I’m not sure if I should give it to him because I don’t know if he’d want anything from me at this point. I worry about him a lot, given his propensity for excess when he has problems and I hate that I’m contributing to them. On the other hand I’m seemed to have immersed myself in work which I guess is a good thing after all action is the enemy of thought. I want to talk about what I’m going through but I don’t want to be that guy who goes on and on about a breakup. It doesn’t help that I have gotten more calls than usual this week from family and friends wanting to set me up with another nice girl.

I think I need a break.

 

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How To Break Up With The Love of Your Life

silent battlesRecently a friend sent me the following children’s tale about the pig and the scorpion:

One day the pig and the scorpion wanted to cross a pond. The pig could swim but the scorpion couldn’t. 

The scorpion said, “pig let me ride your back across the pond!”

Pig: “No! You will sting me and we will both drown and die.”

Scorpion: ” Now why would I do that, it makes no sense?”

Pig: ” Okay, hop on!”

As they reached the middle of the pond the scorpion stings the pig and they begin to drown.

Pig: “Why did you do that? Now we are both going to die!”

Scorpion: “It’s in my nature!”

(How come many so-called children’s stories have such dark themes?)

When I was much younger, a friend told me she strongly believed that if everyone in the whole world died and I was the last living person, it wouldn’t bother me in the least. It was not a compliment. This assessment of my personality came out of nowhere and it still bothers me that someone could think me that unfeeling.  I’m beginning to wonder if it’s really in my nature to be so difficult in interpersonal relationships and whether I am destined to be alone. I recently broke up with my boyfriend of almost two years and these past couple of weeks have been difficult. Read the rest of this entry »

 
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Posted by on July 21, 2013 in Love is a Battlefield

 

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Fallout From A Gay Wedding

no boundariesLawrence Kaala and Jimmy Sserwadda, two Ugandan gentlemen got married last month in Sweden. They had been dating in Uganda until Sserwadda was outed then verbally and physically assaulted by government forces after which he sought asylum in Sweden. There he met up with his former lover Kaala who was in Sweden at the time, the two rekindled their relationship and the rest is history. They have been billed as the first Ugandan gay couple to be legally wed and have been making headlines worldwide. However Sserwadda’s mother has been verbally harassed by Ugandans who claim the two have brought “shame” on their people. Sserwadda also has a son in the university and he has been the victim of verbal assault from colleagues and other members of the community.  Read the rest of this entry »

 
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Posted by on February 7, 2013 in Gay Heroes, Love is a Battlefield

 

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Dating 2.0: Of Conversions and Relentless Pursuits

These days it’s getting harder and harder to tell a woman you’re not interested and nip a potential difficulty in the bud. This year I’ve been in a couple of such situations where I meet a woman at work, at a function, in a shop and due to boredom/proximity we get talking and exchange numbers. Suddenly she lets it slide that she’s single and I immediately say that I’m not available and expect that to be end. But no, I start getting calls, invites: “What are you doing this weekend?” “I was just in your area and..” “There’s this play at the National Theatre..“, or my favourite: “Let’s just have sex, no strings attached” (this happened at work I kid you not). Read the rest of this entry »

 

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