At The Rubicon – How I Came Out At Work

I never go out with work colleagues. Yes, it’s because of privacy issues related to gayness. I especially avoided it when in African cities. I realised quickly that the religious and conservative environment meant that often people could be singled out by their supervisors for things they did on the work night out or just in public and were seen. One of my colleagues ended up losing his job for something that was not even related to the company, something in his personal life that leaked.

However in the UK, it’s far easier. There is a certain feeling that everyone has been there and done that and people don’t really care who you shag or if you shag at all. And there’s a certain camaraderie that’s built up by those after work drinks.

I work in a female-dominated environment and they have all been very nice and easy to work with. We’ve had a few big nights. One of them in particular was so bad I had to be helped home. I had thoroughly underestimated their bar prowess and paid dearly for it the next day.

So on another night out, I was chatting with one of my colleagues when she started to get a bit flirty. At that point, I took a few minutes to gather up courage and then told her “Listen yeah, I’m gay.” She laughed and said “we all know!” I was stunned. I couldn’t believe my ears. I asked how she knew and she responded: do you not remember??

On the big night that I’d gotten so drunk, I’d told many of the coworkers that I was gay. I don’t even remember any of it. And so it had been passed on as part of the usual office gossip and was old news. I was the only one who didn’t know I’d been out at work for weeks. A few things suddenly began to make sense.  I’d detected a softening towards me from many formerly frosty members of staff that hadn’t been there before and now I knew why. For some reason I felt weird at work. It wasn’t that I was upset that I was careless with my private life – it’s legal to be gay in the UK and I knew my job wasn’t in jeopardy – this was all uncharted territory for me and I had never even considered telling work colleagues. All my energy so far had been expended in figuring out how to tell family with the plan that I’d work on work folk later should it be deemed necessary yet the reverse had happened.  Eventually I decided to let things flow and not overthink it. So far things have been good, no one has made anti-gay statements, made me feel uncomfortable or tried to set me up yet (thankfully!).

And the love and respect I have for my coworkers continues to grow in leaps and bounds.

 

The Aftermath of The Anti-Gay Bill in Nigeria

I don’t know who edited this picture but they did a good job

The ink isn’t even dry on the paper yet and the Nigerian Police Force have started rounding up suspected gay men. Allegedly some members of the police have signed up to some gay dating websites and begun luring men to meet up with them. When these men appear, the officers arrest force them to reveal names and numbers of other gay men in the area. Many people have been arrested and some are asked to pay bribes or risk being outed. In the North, 12 men were arrested according to the BBC and one of them was sentenced to receive 20 lashes and pay a fine in accordance with Muslim Sharia law. The lashes were meted out in a packed court room. A Christian who was also arrested will be handed over to the regular courts. Gay men in Nigeria have been warned to stay off the sites and not to meet any new people.

 

When The Word “NO” Means Freedom

Recently at work, someone described me as a “people-pleaser”. Instead of becoming defensive like my coworker expected, I laughed. The truth is that I was a “yes man” and to some extent, I still am. The episode reminded reminded of some advice an old friend gave me which was that if she could teach me to learn (and live by) one word alone, it would be “NO“. I constantly found myself trying to satisfy everyone’s needs but my own, constantly putting others above myself, convinced that to put my own desires first was to be selfish. I now know that  I became this person because I wanted people to like me and value me for I did not value myself.  I pretended to be “happy to help” when all I wanted to do was toss some very nasty phrases at the people who made annoying requests especially the ones who knew that they really were asking too much.

 

Tagged: Is Being Gay Ever A Good Thing?

“In what way is being gay a Good thing?”

Being gay is HARD make no mistake about it. Is there even anything good about being gay to begin with? Not much in my opinion. Which is why it still baffles me that in 2012 some people still believe anyone would ‘choose’ to be gay. Looking back on my relatively short life however, it seems my answer lies in how being gay has affected my life positively.

 

Countdown

My mother and I are quite close and we talk at least once a week, usually for an hour or close to it. So a few days ago I was getting ready to go to a friend’s for lunch when I got a call from her. After going through the recent family gossip (where family includes extended family so this part of the conversation took awhile) we came to the subject of why I’m still not married. I told her I’m not ready for anything that serious and I’d like to focus on my work for now. She said she understood but that I ‘needed’ to be married in two years time. I guess two years are my time limit to telling her the truth since I don’t see myself marrying a woman within this period. On another note does anyone ever need to get married?

 

Not Going Anywhere: More on Being Gay in Ghana

This is a video I saw many months back from the Accra [dot] Alt group which organises meetings, festivals and other such events geared towards ensuring comfortable spaces of expression for artists and other creative types to express themselves in Ghana. This particular meeting focused on being gay in Ghana and interestingly some of the gays in attendance weren’t shy about expressing them selves at all. This video is part of a collection entitled Ghana Talk Party Series. 

 

By now I’m sure I have answered most of your questions Mr Pink Agendist…

 

Prejudice Comes In All Shapes and Sizes (And Colours too!)

I have spent the weekend with a friend who own’s the friendliest cat I’ve ever met. It’s a beautiful jet black Bombay, very playful and affectionate and can keep me occupied the whole day. She also seems to enjoy this very annoying game she made up called “find your wallet after I’ve hidden it”.

 

Normal is The Watchword

After trying to “pray the gay away” without success, seeking help from my minister, contemplating suicide, going to see a psychologist (then dropping out when we had a difference of opinion), I discovered Exodus International.

 

The Journey of A Thousand Miles..

Well I finally came out to someone.
It wasn’t a member of my family or my “inner circle” of friends. It was a relatively new friend I had made a couple of years ago. We met met (funny enough) through church – the minister had tried to hook us up.

 

” And You Had To Do It At A Family Reunion…”

As yet another family reunion approaches, I wonder if this is the time to tell my family about my not-so-secret other life.