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Category Archives: Mind, Body and Soul

To The Future, To Love, And To Paradise

I met up with a new but really good friend today. He was leaving town for good and even though he had a million things to do, he wanted us to meet up. We met up, walked around – which involved lots of meandering through throngs of tourists and avoiding been run over by cyclists who would knock down an old lady in a minute without remorse since they are really the ones “saving the world” and “creating green energy”. At the end of the evening, he hugged me and said he was proud of what I had managed to achieve in the past 18 months. I brushed it off but when I got home, I realised that I am constantly looking forward, constantly thinking about how to advance my goals that I never stop to celebrate the things I have managed to do. So today I opened a bottle of bubbly, a gift that I received at Christmas and drank it down alone, while listening to Seal, who happens to be one of my favourite artists and whose song supplies the title to this post. While I’m the first to list the disadvantages of drinking alone, today is a ME day. And I’m not going to be apologetic about it.

While it may be a normal/boring/crazy/terrible day for you, have a drink today for me, to the future.

 

 
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Posted by on December 24, 2014 in Mind, Body and Soul

 

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An Awkward Telephone Conversation

Sex wordleYou know when a one-night-stand who’s left town for good calls you, it’s not going to be a good morning. That was exactly what I was thinking when a man I had spent a lovely night with called me on my way to work, effectively turning an already grey London morning even greyer. After exchanging pleasantries (it’s England after all), he told me he had tested positive for an STI and I should get checked out. Read the rest of this entry »

 
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Posted by on September 15, 2014 in Mind, Body and Soul

 

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“We Could Have Been Famous Friends”

While having a much-needed tea break in a nearby café just before closing, I ran into a friend and colleague I hadn’t seen in a few months. We’d become friendly after we collaborated on project but when the it ended and we went back to our departments, we never seemed to find the time to meet up. It was unfortunate as I enjoyed her company and she was one of the only gay people at work I was friends with. However I wasn’t out to her. She once described me as “the straightest” straight man she knew. While I was amused, I wasn’t sure I liked that description especially the frisson of pleasure I felt when she said it. Did that mean I was completely boring with no redeeming qualities? Was the fact that I felt some pleasure inside mean I was still clinging to the hetero-normative ideas of manhood and had a problem with feminine qualities I or other men possessed? Read the rest of this entry »

 

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Persona

I heard of a young man (within two degrees of separation), handsome and smart who committed suicide by shooting himself with his father’s gun. He had been troubled, sad, frustrated and felt he had no one to talk to. He cloaked his inner turmoil in humour, cleverness and life-of-the-party-ness. When he couldn’t handle it any more, he stopped.

For a while I’ve felt overwhelmed. I feel the weight of having to be responsible. Friendly. Sensible. Lacking the African shoulder chip. Feeling worthy of something when I know I didn’t put in enough work. Having to be capable. Smart. Funny. Fun. Caring. Confident. Knowledgeable when I feel like a fraud.

And I’m tired. I don’t want to see another therapist. Sometimes I feel I learned much more of psychologists than they ever did of me. How they attempt to shape your treatment based on what they think is right for you and not what is actually right – if ‘right’ actually exists. How they live vicariously through your own experiences. But I’m so tired of having to wear masks everyday. I want to run away to a place that I don’t have to be polite. Responsible. Sane. Reasonable. Friendly. I want to ride the wave of the anger, joy, happiness, irrationality, redness, light, darkness, weakness, power, nothingness that I feel rising higher and higher inside me and see where it takes me. I want to retreat so far into myself that the world ceases to exist. I don’t want to wear a mask today.

But I fear that if I give in, I will never find my way back. I cannot afford that. And so as I put on another mask and leave home, I believe everything will be okay.

I will be okay.

Somehow.

 
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Posted by on June 30, 2014 in Mind, Body and Soul, Uncategorized

 

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A Sexual Wrestling Adventure

http://creativeroots.org/2010/03/senegalese-wrestlers

Senegalese Wrestlers (Dennis Rouvre)

One of the issues that has come up during talks with my psychologist is my hidden desires. We agreed that it was time I explored some of them. As I found myself caught in a wrestler’s sleeper hold a few days later, feeling dizzy but tapping away frantically on the floor, I doubted this was what either of us had in mind. Read the rest of this entry »

 
 

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Flirting With Bisexuality: How I Learned Too Much About Viagra

nun on breakOver Christmas I got a call from my ex. Not my ex-boyfriend who I’ve talked about many times but the last girl I dated. Even though it has been a more than few years since we broke up, we are still in contact. Though we don’t chat often, when we do it’s always long, rich and interesting. We had been good friends before we started dating and we still had that friend connection. One of the things she said as she ended the call was how good she felt that we had remained friends, that our brief relationship made us drift apart and she looked forward to continuing our friendship. It made me remember our last month together. Read the rest of this entry »

 
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Posted by on January 4, 2014 in Mind, Body and Soul, The Business of Living

 

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A Near Virgin Suicide

happy faceWhen I started this blog, there were three things I wanted to write about. I just managed to talk about one. Some of these things have been kept inside for such a long time that now that I can talk about them, I can’t find the words to do so. At such times I wish I had the writing skill that Clare Flourish and Ricky possess. They have a way of talking about their experiences in such a frank, real, human way that I sometimes feel as if I’m a part of it. I have started this post many times and I still cannot include many things because I’m not ready to talk about them, even to myself.

Read the rest of this entry »

 
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Posted by on August 26, 2013 in Mind, Body and Soul

 

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