At The Rubicon – How I Came Out At Work

I never go out with work colleagues. Yes, it’s because of privacy issues related to gayness. I especially avoided it when in African cities. I realised quickly that the religious and conservative environment meant that often people could be singled out by their supervisors for things they did on the work night out or just in public and were seen. One of my colleagues ended up losing his job for something that was not even related to the company, something in his personal life that leaked.

However in the UK, it’s far easier. There is a certain feeling that everyone has been there and done that and people don’t really care who you shag or if you shag at all. And there’s a certain camaraderie that’s built up by those after work drinks.

I work in a female-dominated environment and they have all been very nice and easy to work with. We’ve had a few big nights. One of them in particular was so bad I had to be helped home. I had thoroughly underestimated their bar prowess and paid dearly for it the next day.

So on another night out, I was chatting with one of my colleagues when she started to get a bit flirty. At that point, I took a few minutes to gather up courage and then told her “Listen yeah, I’m gay.” She laughed and said “we all know!” I was stunned. I couldn’t believe my ears. I asked how she knew and she responded: do you not remember??

On the big night that I’d gotten so drunk, I’d told many of the coworkers that I was gay. I don’t even remember any of it. And so it had been passed on as part of the usual office gossip and was old news. I was the only one who didn’t know I’d been out at work for weeks. A few things suddenly began to make sense.  I’d detected a softening towards me from many formerly frosty members of staff that hadn’t been there before and now I knew why. For some reason I felt weird at work. It wasn’t that I was upset that I was careless with my private life – it’s legal to be gay in the UK and I knew my job wasn’t in jeopardy – this was all uncharted territory for me and I had never even considered telling work colleagues. All my energy so far had been expended in figuring out how to tell family with the plan that I’d work on work folk later should it be deemed necessary yet the reverse had happened.  Eventually I decided to let things flow and not overthink it. So far things have been good, no one has made anti-gay statements, made me feel uncomfortable or tried to set me up yet (thankfully!).

And the love and respect I have for my coworkers continues to grow in leaps and bounds.

 

The Melancholy for Can’t-Be and The Nostalgia for Never-Was

I met him online. His profile was empty and I was very wary in the beginning but we connected very quickly. He sent me some really interesting pictures – while he was good-looking, he seemed like he’d be comfortable in an office, outdoors or in a psych ward. Very versatile.  We finally met up for coffee and spent a couple of hours just talking. As he was leaving, he shook my hand then held on to my shoulder, rubbed for a minute like he couldn’t let me go and looked into my eyes. I froze. I have never been one for public displays of affection and when it comes to PDAs of the gay kind, I shut down entirely. But when he touched me, right in the middle of a train station, I felt like there was no one else there – only the two of us. I looked into his eyes and saw the longing I felt for him being returned. I didn’t want him to let go either. We met up for coffee many times after that and finally started dating. We both liked each other but neither was in a place where a relationship of any kind was possible, he because he’d recently come out of a relationship where his ex moved to a different country, and I because there are so many things going on in my life now that I am unable to settle down.

While I would never admit to it in public, I believe in the power of connections and would commit to something if I felt strongly enough about it. However like Lady Gaga once said: “If you’re wondering which way to go, remember that your career will never wake up and tell you that it doesn’t love you anymore.”

 

Warm Bodies

Manikin by Paul Cadmus. Source: http://www.JohnCoulthart.com

My therapist finally raised the topic of relationships. She began by asking if I was okay discussing the details with her. After mulling it over for a minute, I realised I didn’t care. Sure she was heterosexual and there was some resistance on my part initially about discussing such issues, she is a therapist and everything said within the four walls of that room are confidential. In any case, I do know that I’d rather have a female therapist than a male one (unless he’s gay – then he would go to the top of the list!). After talking about my ex (enough said) I told her I was seeing someone casually and she asked if he made me happy. While I answered that he did for now, inside I wasn’t sure.

 

How To Break Up With The Love of Your Life

Recently a friend sent me the following children’s tale about the pig and the scorpion:

One day the pig and the scorpion wanted to cross a pond. The pig could swim but the scorpion couldn’t. 

The scorpion said, “pig let me ride your back across the pond!”

Pig: “No! You will sting me and we will both drown and die.”

Scorpion: ” Now why would I do that, it makes no sense?”

Pig: ” Okay, hop on!”

As they reached the middle of the pond the scorpion stings the pig and they begin to drown.

Pig: “Why did you do that? Now we are both going to die!”

Scorpion: “It’s in my nature!”

(How come many so-called children’s stories have such dark themes?)

When I was much younger, a friend told me she strongly believed that if everyone in the whole world died and I was the last living person, it wouldn’t bother me in the least. It was not a compliment. This assessment of my personality came out of nowhere and it still bothers me that someone could think me that unfeeling.  I’m beginning to wonder if it’s really in my nature to be so difficult in interpersonal relationships and whether I am destined to be alone. I recently broke up with my boyfriend of almost two years and these past couple of weeks have been difficult.

 

Glimpses of My Father

One of the challenges I continuously encounter in the world of anonymous blogging is determining how much personal information to release about myself and others. My full name, pictures and such stuff I know to avoid but certain conversations, interests and experiences I find myself unable to decide whether or not I should share them and I feel this one may be one of such.

 

Growing Pains

I had a very enlightening conversation with a 60 year-old friend which bordered on frightening. It made me think hard about the direction my life is taking and the sort of problems I’d like to avoid should I make it to his age.