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How To Break Up With The Love of Your Life

21 Jul

silent battlesRecently a friend sent me the following children’s tale about the pig and the scorpion:

One day the pig and the scorpion wanted to cross a pond. The pig could swim but the scorpion couldn’t. 

The scorpion said, “pig let me ride your back across the pond!”

Pig: “No! You will sting me and we will both drown and die.”

Scorpion: ” Now why would I do that, it makes no sense?”

Pig: ” Okay, hop on!”

As they reached the middle of the pond the scorpion stings the pig and they begin to drown.

Pig: “Why did you do that? Now we are both going to die!”

Scorpion: “It’s in my nature!”

(How come many so-called children’s stories have such dark themes?)

When I was much younger, a friend told me she strongly believed that if everyone in the whole world died and I was the last living person, it wouldn’t bother me in the least. It was not a compliment. This assessment of my personality came out of nowhere and it still bothers me that someone could think me that unfeeling.  I’m beginning to wonder if it’s really in my nature to be so difficult in interpersonal relationships and whether I am destined to be alone. I recently broke up with my boyfriend of almost two years and these past couple of weeks have been difficult.

We met through work and after many conversations, we both realized  that we were gay AND had been crushing on each other for awhile. We kept talking and getting to know one another and didn’t jump into bed at once. When we did though, it was out of this world. I still remember exactly when I realised that I whipped: I had reached his place after work to find him watching TV on his bed. When I quickly joined him and we held each other, I felt like I was home. I had never felt this with anyone, man or woman, ever. Typically I’m the kind that rolls over once the deed is done or if there’s still time, dresses up and goes home. This was something I hadn’t expected to happen since outwardly we seemed so incompatible.

However the problems started: a lack of trust that I couldn’t get around – something carried over from his last relationship and made not helped in the least by my constant ‘coolness’. He said he could never be sure if I felt as strongly about him as he did about me, and kept on questioning my feelings. I tried hard to show him, especially after he moved out of town after getting a promotion. I consciously made a greater effort, even to the point of pissing off my friends but it never seemed enough. He still kept complaining that I often seemed aloof and detached and he felt he couldn’t reach me. That although he knew how I felt and though I showed it to him, sometimes he wasn’t sure. I don’t know if it was the INTJ thing and my apparent lack of good communication skills or something else entirely. This made me very sad because the last time I was in a relationship (a long time ago and with a woman) these were exact same complaints. He also began to show a horrid, hair-trigger temper which could go off without warning and sometimes I felt  I had to watch my words carefully or walk on eggshells so as not to set him off. In all this the distance did not help much.

He couldn’t understand that I had responsibilities, such as to my family and even friends and wanted to be front, row and centre all the time. Sometimes I felt he wanted a doting wife and not a boyfriend. A weekend that I went home to visit my folks led to a huge argument and him asking for us to call it quits. I decided that if he did that three times I would break it off. At the end of our relationship, he had asked five times already. At the height of our problems I talked to a friend who told me to make a list of things that were good and bad about the relationship and compare them. I refused to make that list, not even in my mind, because I already knew the answer.

Sometimes I wonder if I kept at it because I didn’t want to be a failure at love also. I felt that if I let him go, I’d never find anyone like him and I’d be alone for the rest of my life – melodramatic I know. It’s not easy to find someone who wants to build a life in this climate and the odds of finding another such man are not good to put it mildly. Also we were moving apart professionally, physically and emotionally and I couldn’t find any way we could be together without major sacrifices that both of us were not ready to make.

togetherOne of those much-repeated lines that I love to hate is: “If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours, if they don’t, they never were.” In my case, it’s not about wanting them to return, it’s about knowing you are not good for each other and that they are better served being with someone who will give them what they need and desire. I don’t think I was that person for him. Love shouldn’t make two people unhappy all the time. I just don’t understand why I still see his face when I close my eyes or why I can’t stop thinking about how looking into his eyes made me feel at peace. After all is said and done, I really hope I made the right decision. I wish him peace and success in all that he does, and that he meets someone who will be good and kind to him, someone who will love him more than I ever did. All in all, these past two years have been a learning experience for me. I don’t know if it’s possible to learn how to show someone I’m so crazy him that he never has to doubt it but I am definitely going to try.

On the other hand, it’s seems About.com really has an answer to everything, including how to get over a gay break up. Someone please hand me some tissue.

 
24 Comments

Posted by on July 21, 2013 in Love is a Battlefield

 

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24 responses to “How To Break Up With The Love of Your Life

  1. ameliabishop

    July 21, 2013 at 10:16 pm

    So sorry to hear about your breakup. But you are right, love shouldn’t make two people unhappy all the time. You can do better, and you deserve to be in a healthy relationship.

    Wishing you find happiness soon 🙂

     
    • D.C.

      July 22, 2013 at 6:34 am

      Thank you, thank you.

       
  2. Tom Janus

    July 21, 2013 at 10:24 pm

    Life is just full of learning experiences …some of which can set a person back for a time…the best bet of course is to never give up…and I have trust, that you won’t…)))

     
    • D.C.

      July 22, 2013 at 6:37 am

      I have definitely learned a lot from this one.

       
  3. Tom Janus

    July 22, 2013 at 2:34 am

    One other thing I found later today to add to the conversation;

    Love is like handing someone a gun, having them point it at your heart, and trusting them to never pull the trigger
    — Michael Gardner

     
    • D.C.

      July 22, 2013 at 6:36 am

      I know I will get through this eventually. Some of the things he said after we broke up makes me wonder if I’m the one that pulled the trigger..

       
  4. gaydinosaurtales

    July 22, 2013 at 3:37 am

    You never forget the pain-or those good things you shared. It takes time, like all worthwhile things. Good posting.

     
    • D.C.

      July 22, 2013 at 6:36 am

      Thank you.

       
  5. Clare Flourish

    July 22, 2013 at 5:52 am

    Thinking of you.

     
    • D.C.

      July 22, 2013 at 6:36 am

      🙂

       
  6. angryricky

    July 22, 2013 at 10:47 am

    Hugs. Don’t blame yourself. You gave what you had to give, and it’s not your fault it’s not what he needed. If you’re chocolate, you can’t hate yourself for not being vanilla.

     
    • D.C.

      July 22, 2013 at 6:56 pm

      On some level I know this. It’s just difficult to accept. Thanks.

       
  7. manleben

    July 22, 2013 at 11:42 am

    As everyone has already mentioned, it takes time to heal wounds and you will most certainly pull through this. Take care *hugs all around*

     
    • D.C.

      July 22, 2013 at 6:56 pm

      Thanks

       
  8. Vincent

    July 22, 2013 at 12:27 pm

    you are grieving; be gentle with yourself. two persons learn and change, and hopefully grow, both together and as individual persons, in a relationship. it sounds like you did plenty of this. indeed, there might be a time when you learn that you are not meant to spend the rest of your life with this person. hard indeed. this is life. you will (have) become a stronger, more passionate person because of all of this.

     
    • D.C.

      July 22, 2013 at 6:57 pm

      I can’t wait to reach that point where I am a stronger person because right now I don’t feel that way. Thanks.

       
  9. keredim69

    July 22, 2013 at 8:54 pm

    It sounds cliche, but it’s true:“If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours, if they don’t, they never were.” I know a couple it happened to and after 5 year separation they got back together.

    So you never know…

    Meantime, use the time to reflect and get to know and love you. It will hurt in the beginning, but it lasts for a little while. Then get out there and start having fun!!!

    You will get through this…

     
    • D.C.

      July 22, 2013 at 9:53 pm

      Thanks. I must admit that having fun is the last thing on my mind right now 🙂

       
      • keredim69

        July 23, 2013 at 4:52 am

        Yes. Understandable. We all get over break ups differently. My personal choice, is by getting a leg over 😀

         
      • D.C.

        July 23, 2013 at 5:51 am

        LOL!!

         
  10. aguywithoutboxers

    July 23, 2013 at 1:36 am

    My brother and friend, somewhere. someone once said, or wrote, “love hurts.” That doesn’t help the way that you now feel, but, at least, it reminds you that you are not alone. I think most of us have felt as you do now. I know I have. It took me falling in love…again, to finally get over him.

    Go ahead and cry, feel the pain. Sadness, like love, is an emotion.

    Just remember, I am here for you.

    Much love and naked hugs! Here’s a BOX of tissues.

     
    • D.C.

      July 23, 2013 at 5:51 am

      Thank you

       
  11. Just Dre

    August 5, 2013 at 6:28 am

    I’m so sorry that you have to deal with this. I’ve been in a situation very similar to this. I’m still in this situation from time to time. It’s hard to let that one go despite knowing it’s the right thing to do. Thank you for sharing. It’s comforting to know that I’m not the only one.

     
    • D.C.

      August 5, 2013 at 6:39 am

      Thank you for that. I just hope I can get over this soon.

       

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