Peering Over The Edge of No Return

I love my mother. If it hasn’t come through on this blog already, today I say it plainly. There is no woman I think is more fabulous, more fun, funnier, more beautiful than she is. When we talk on the phone, it’s rarely ever less than an hour, often closer to two. When I actually go home, we spend whole days talking and hanging out. No conversation ends without me saying “Love you mum!”. It’s a good thing I’m gay because no woman would ever be able to compete with her (no, seriously). There are very few weeks that pass without me receiving such picture messages as this one from her:

I walking to a meeting a few days ago when I received a text message. It was from my mum and I hurriedly opened it to get an unexpected surprise. It was a forwarded message supporting the anti-gay bill in Nigeria and urging all recipients to support this bill and not bow down to western or other influences which seek to quash the bill. It ended by suggesting all recipients should send the message to others to show their support for the bill.

I felt like I had just been stabbed.

I took a minute to gather myself and continue to my destination. I tried to put it out of my mind but couldn’t. During my break, I sent her a message asking if she really supported the anti-gay bill to which she replied yes. She then asked what my thoughts were on it. I said I did not support it. She again informed me that she (strongly) supported it then proceeded to ask about more mundane things, effectively changing the topic.

All along I have considered the possibility that I could lose my family should I choose to come out but now I begin to understand what it would mean to be without them. The alternative would be to not to tell them but begin to distance myself. However that option doesn’t seem right: if I’m going to avoid people who mean so much to me, they should know why. Even though she doesn’t know I’m gay, by sending me that message, it felt like she was rejecting me. It’s said that mothers always know and I wonder if she really does know or suspect, especially going by the way she changed the topic instead of probing further which is her modus operandi. In any case, I have told her that I’m not at all anti-gay and possibly planted the thought in her mind that I may be gay.

Yesterday I dreamed that I was running from someone/something and found myself in the middle of an airport that was a bridge at the same time (you know how dreams are). There I met my mother and she asked me why I had been running away from her and avoiding her. I woke up very sad and unable to go back to sleep. It was 3.35am. After lying down for another hour without any sleep, I woke and got ready for my day.

Life continues, always.