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A Near Virgin Suicide

26 Aug

happy faceWhen I started this blog, there were three things I wanted to write about. I just managed to talk about one. Some of these things have been kept inside for such a long time that now that I can talk about them, I can’t find the words to do so. At such times I wish I had the writing skill that Clare Flourish and Ricky possess. They have a way of talking about their experiences in such a frank, real, human way that I sometimes feel as if I’m a part of it. I have started this post many times and I still cannot include many things because I’m not ready to talk about them, even to myself.

I have had recurring thoughts and ideas of suicide since I turned 15. At that age, puberty was in full swing but I would find myself having wet dreams involving boys instead of girls and sometimes catch myself thinking about a boy in the middle of the day. I couldn’t understand it. I would immediately stop these thoughts then proceed to berate and mentally flagellate myself for having these malignant and repulsive thoughts. I would pray for these clearly evil thoughts to go away. I became very depressed. I wanted to tell someone what I was going through but the shame of these ideas that I knew were mine yet constantly denied and the fear of rejection kept me from doing so. I felt alone all the time, even when surrounded by people. There was no one I could talk to about such things and since I couldn’t risk someone asking me why I was so sad for fear that I would break down and tell them (with the result that they would draw away from me in revulsion), I learned how to fake cheerfulness convincingly. This took a heavy toll and eventually I began to avoid people entirely. When I think of the rest of my time in secondary school, every memory appears covered by a dark brown haze, just about the color of my skin, which I disappear into and I become invisible, even to myself. When I asked my best friend what would happen hypothetically if he discovered someone very close to him (such as myself or another friend) was gay, he responded flatly that he would no longer be friends with that person. I began to think that life would be better if I were dead.

Suicide is a sad thing and a bad thing. Some may call it selfish even. Culturally, it is considered shameful and a young person who commits suicide is buried in an unmarked grave. I knew that doing something like that would destroy my parents and I didn’t want that attendant stigma of having a family member who had committed suicide attached to them. Eventually I decided that I would jump in front of a speeding car. That way, my family would think it was an accident. I’d always loved taking long, leisurely walks but now I began to go out at night in the hopes that I would find a suitable vector for my plan.  Only two things stopped me: the idea that had been planted in my head from childhood that people who commit suicide go to the lowest circle of hell like Judas did (probably something that trickled down from Dante’s Inferno) and my mother who suddenly became so involved in my life, more than usual. She saved me but she doesn’t know it, which is interesting because at another crucial time that I felt needed her, she couldn’t help me. I don’t know if mothers have a special sense that tells them when their child is in trouble but if does exist, it really came into action then.

The suicides of the two boys really hit me hard. I know exactly how fragile it feels to be living at home, totally under the control of your parents and guardians. Sometimes it really does feel like a prison, albeit a financial one. There are very few support systems to help young people and having to deal with sexuality alone (which at this age is not even about sex per se) is a huge challenge. To be faced exposure isn’t something a lot of people can handle and thinking about what I would have done to myself had someone found out about me and threatened to tell others makes me cold.

Although such thoughts occur a lot less often now, there hasn’t been a day that I haven’t thought about suicide once. I consider whether the life and struggles I am facing and will face are worth and whether it won’t be better for everyone if I were dead. I clearly can’t stop thinking about everyone’s expectations of me as opposed to what I expect of myself. Sometimes I feel like a sham, a fraud, because I feel that I’ve lived the life of trying tothe_end - sort of be what everyone wants me to be that I have forgotten who I am and who I want to be, like a shell at the beach, interesting on the outside but hollow and empty on the inside. I realize that a lot of the feelings of emptiness arise from the fact that I never believed in myself, I never believed that I was smart enough, good enough for anything because for the longest time I didn’t think anything good could ever come out someone like me. I believed that the only way I could amount to something was to become what others expected of me. I know these thoughts are maladaptive and I have been working at clearing my mind of them. I have some decisions to make about the path my life should follow and I have realised that I don’t really know what I want. It’s like I’m trying to make a decision for a stranger and this inability to reach a definite resolution has pushed me into a funk for a few weeks now. I know I’m going to get through this. I know there’s a silver lining somewhere even if I can’t see it right now. There just has to be.

 
18 Comments

Posted by on August 26, 2013 in Mind, Body and Soul

 

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18 responses to “A Near Virgin Suicide

  1. Clare Flourish

    August 26, 2013 at 6:55 am

    Your compliment delights and warms me. I wish I could say something wise and reassuring. I think to some extent everyone wears these masks, and it is a blessing for us, as well as for the whole of society, that some of us find them so unbearable that we have to take them off, but it is hard to bear.

     
    • D.C.

      August 26, 2013 at 7:01 am

      My pleasure as always. You are very right on that. Someday a couple of mine will have to come off.

       
  2. keredim69

    August 26, 2013 at 7:27 am

    Very deep. Be strong and most of all be true to yourself

     
    • D.C.

      August 27, 2013 at 11:25 am

      Thanks.

       
  3. aguywithoutboxersRoger Poladopoulos

    August 26, 2013 at 11:30 am

    My blogging brother, gay brother and friend, I am deeply moved by your articulate and honest account. I admire your courage in being open and acknowledging your challenges. I don’t think that you are alone as I believe that most of us who are same gender loving have similar thoughts at one time or another. We’re all conditioned by society to think that way. You, brother, are brave in expressing your thoughts in your journal.

    I wish I had words of wisdom to ease your pain. Unfortunately, I don’t think any mere mortal has that ability. Please, continue to work through this as best you are able and keep in mind that I am here for you (although miles away) and support you. I echo the advice of Keredim69 above: “Be strong and be true to yourself.”

    Much love and naked hugs! I write this phrase often but trust, I sincerely mean them.

     
    • D.C.

      August 27, 2013 at 11:27 am

      Thank you. Much love my friend 🙂

       
  4. ameliabishop

    August 26, 2013 at 2:54 pm

    Once again I find your life story echoes mine. Although, now that I have children I no longer have those dark thoughts. I would never leave my babies. Before, though, I was in a bad place several times. My mother also saved me, though she also didn’t know it at the time. At one time, for months, the only thing that kept me going was my reluctance to hurt her.

    Personally, I found a lot of comfort in nature. Although it sounds corny, I came to a sort of epiphany one day, when I was fairly young, watching the ocean, when I realized how insignificant my own problems are. The tides come and go, the sun and moon rise, the trees grow, no matter my petty worries. I don’t know why but that truth kept me going.

    I hope you find what you need, and I wish you the courage and strength to live for yourself, to follow your dreams and pursue your desires. Remember that even if you fail, even if you change your mind about what you want, even if you go in the wrong direction and have to start over, your life is worth every moment.

     
    • D.C.

      August 27, 2013 at 11:31 am

      Thank you for this. One of the things that makes me feel better is finding that I’m not the only one who’s going through certain challenges (which is not to say I enjoy seeing people struggle!). And no, it’s not corny at all. Matter of fact, I’ve scheduled such a retreat for this weekend..

       
  5. gaydinosaurtales

    August 26, 2013 at 10:56 pm

    In your first paragraph you begin an apology saying “i can’t find the words to do so”, and then your continuing paragraphs manage to very powerfully explain an incredibly emotion-packed and extremely personal topic. You DID find those words. You were able to bare those deeply hidden thoughts so easily that your writing amazed me and moved me. You cannot possibly live up to anyone else’s expectations of you, especially when you yourself are questioning who you are and where you want to take your life. It is easy for someone who knows so little about you or the world in which you live, to tell you to relax and just be good to yourself for a change. Life is precious. All of us are unique and deserving of all the happiness we share. You are a very gifted man. Be patient. Continue to consider others but take special care of yourself-he needs you very much right now.
    Peace,
    A wise gay elder

     
    • D.C.

      August 27, 2013 at 11:42 am

      Thank you thank you.

       
  6. Vincent

    August 27, 2013 at 1:58 am

    do you know what power and strength are in your life, and in what you wrote? yes, there is pain and there are hard things, too. but it is all part of your story, your becoming who you are. thank you for this, for your mind, and for your heart, which you are expressing. please, do not feel you have to be anything but yourself, who you are, and who you find yourself to be. be true to yourself. that is all that matters. i hope that you have a way in your life to show yourself that you are beloved. you are.

     
    • D.C.

      August 27, 2013 at 11:32 am

      Thank you

       
  7. manleben

    September 9, 2013 at 9:02 am

    As survivor of numerous suicide attempts, I know exactly how you feel. I was depressed since I was 16 and took anti-depressants till I was 19…

    I won’t reiterate what others have already mentioned here but you are much stronger than you think you are. You may not believe it but its the truth. Just need to surround yourself with others who will allow you to see this potential. For me it wasn’t my mum who saved me but rather my best friend and she helped me through some of the most difficult and dark times in my life. My parents thought I was putting on an act and that I should man up. They pretty much ignored me. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I did commit suicide and died. Will they have regretted their lack of attention or would they have blamed each other? I guess I will never find out.

    Also you can’t live pleasing others. Your happiness is of vital importance. I learned to stop living for other and its one of the most amazing feelings. As my friend always says “Man, you gotta always do you no matter what”. I know it can be difficult where you live at the moment (trust me I know. I have burned lots of bridges because I failed to live up to others expectation of me) but you need to live for you.

    Take Care
    xxx

     
    • D.C.

      September 17, 2013 at 9:13 am

      Wow..you really have gone through a lot. Thanks for the advice. I know in my head that I should (and need to) live up to my expectations alone, there just seems to be a disconnect between what I know and what I find myself doing. Thanks and take care also 🙂

       
  8. angryricky

    September 16, 2013 at 7:37 pm

    Thanks for the shout-out. This verbal ability is only present in my writing, by the way; when I try to speak about desiring suicide, my mouth presses itself shut, or opens and closes silently. When I’m writing, I sometimes make myself forget that there are people reading. I write because I have to, whether there’s anyone who needs to read it or not. Maybe I can do this because I wrote for six months before anyone read my blog with regularity.

    I’m blowing you a kiss, and I want you to know that I check your blog more often than you write in it. I enjoy reading what you write. I hope you’re well.

     
    • D.C.

      September 17, 2013 at 9:19 am

      Thank you Ricky. It’s good you have a way to express yourself outside of spoken words. Few things are as frustrating as keeping things especially when it’s not by choice. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I never started this blog. I am good, hope you are keeping well also. Take care.

       
  9. Trans*forming Mom

    September 21, 2013 at 2:23 am

    Warm thoughts to you, every day.

     
    • D.C.

      September 21, 2013 at 5:54 am

      Thank you..

       

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