A few months ago, someone started thread in an web-based group with this question. He then followed by stating that he did not think any GLBT should be allowed to raise children. When questioned further, he said he didn’t have any reasons, this was his “gut” feeling even though there is existing evidence contrary to what he believes. On a regular day, I wouldn’t have cared about this sort of nonsense but what angered me the most was that this was a gay group and this guy was very gay.
Even more surprising was the fact that some of the other guys had similar views and could not produce any facts or evidence to support their position. Some actually said that children in orphanages were better off staying there than living with a gay couple because of stigma. In some countries I guess the orphanages are well equipped and there is some social support for these children but over here it’s a different story. Most of such children usually go on to learn a trade and work in an unskilled labour environment – the lucky ones. The unlucky ones are a different story. To even suggest that a child who would benefit from having two parents and the chance at a better life should be denied such opportunities because of someone else’s gut feeling is monstrous. No matter how much I called them out on these views, I couldn’t seem to make any headway because it’s hard to argue against someone who believes their gut is the grandfather of all knowledge and wisdom. To add to this, most of the members of this group remained silent, reminiscent of the very aggressive verbal showdowns in secondary school in which two or three people attack each other while everyone else stands back and enjoys the show.
After awhile I let go. I realized that this was a battle I couldn’t win because these guys were fighting themselves. I truly think that some of the most homophobic people I’ve met are gay, not the ones that are hiding in the closets but the ones that are actively involved in the community, from the feminine guys who can’t stand other feminine guys to the ones who think all gay men are sex addicts and drunks.
The other reason that I was so irritated by their ideas was that I would like to have children one day. Currently I’m not sure how that would work out, seeing as I’m not even allowed to be gay, to rent a place with a partner. Also, my significant other does not like children. The word dilemma comes to mind since I cannot imagine having a life without children and yet having them comes with a multitude of issues. I love children and one of the things I have always wanted is to have some of my own – biological and adopted. A gay friend of mine recently informed me that, with the way things are going, the only way I’d be able to have children would be to get married to a woman. That closet life isn’t for me, there are lies that I can tell but not of this size and in any case, I don’t see women as baby-making machines to be deceived within the confines of marriage. Someone pointed me to some website in which children of surrogates, sperm and egg donors aired their thoughts and a lot of these kids were very bitter. Since anyone can put up comments and it’s all anonymous, I know that some of the comments may just be false statements from bored trolls but it was an eye-opener of sorts. I had never considered what it would mean for a child not to know his/her mother or father, especially in a situation where it was agreed on from the start that the children would never get to know whose eyes they have, where they inherited their dimples from – things that seem small but may come to occupy every moment for some Many of them felt that using donor parts to make your own baby was one of the most selfish things anyone could ever do. As odd as it may seem, I also have never entertained the idea that children may come to resent their parents for putting them in an environment they never asked for. I’m starting to wonder if the naysayers have a point. It would kill me if my own children came to resent me for bringing them into this world or for putting them in a difficult life situation just because I wanted them so much. Maybe this is REALLY not my path but trying to accept that I may never have kids kills me a little inside. As the future isn’t written in stone I’m keeping my fingers crossed.