My mother and I are quite close and we talk at least once a week, usually for an hour or close to it. So a few days ago I was getting ready to go to a friend’s for lunch when I got a call from her. After going through the recent family gossip (where family includes extended family so this part of the conversation took awhile) we came to the subject of why I’m still not married. I told her I’m not ready for anything that serious and I’d like to focus on my work for now. She said she understood but that I ‘needed’ to be married in two years time. I guess two years are my time limit to telling her the truth since I don’t see myself marrying a woman within this period. On another note does anyone ever need to get married?
Maybe this would have been a good time to tell her the truth but I don’t think it’s right to break such joyous news over the phone. Once again I’m back inside my old self and I begin to feel guilty for being gay, like I’m not a good enough son or I’m not doing all the things a son should be doing, and I wonder if I should just get married just to please them. Then I remember my last relationship with a girl and I snap out of it. It wasn’t that it was horrible or anything because she was an amazing person but I just wasn’t into it at all. It was like going through the motions of a relationship without any emotional involvement and I can’t imagine a life filled with that.
On some level, I think my mother will come to accept me in time even if I do tell her but I know it will take her awhile but I’m not sure I’m ready to put the strength of our relationship to the test. Right now though it seems that in two years I will have to be.
September 26, 2012 at 7:08 am
you can’t live your life pleasing others, i mean you can try but the cost is your happiness. i hope all goes well 🙂
September 26, 2012 at 9:02 am
September 29, 2012 at 4:44 pm
I told my mother in person six months ago, and she hasn’t been happy with me since. I don’t know if she ever will be again, but at least she knows who she’s dealing with.
Marriage serves some social functions that some people think are important. Brigham Young, leader of the Mormon church in the 1840s-70s, once said that if a man was not married by the time he was twenty-five he was likely to become a menace to society. Things have changed since then, but some people still have the idea that marriage takes a man away from the trouble he is likely to cause on his own. It’s about respectability, and proving to the world that they were good parents to you.
September 30, 2012 at 7:54 am
I actually see where you’re coming from. That may explain why some people think it’s their own fault when their child is gay.
September 30, 2012 at 9:18 pm
This makes me so sad to read. To be the best *you* that you can be, you have to be true to yourself. And in being the best you, you will by default be the best son, the best sibling, the best brother, the best friend, the best (whatever) you can be. Anyone who does not accept you is not being their best self. I hope that when the time comes for you to tell your mother, she will embrace you. Maybe she suspects, and her questions today were her way of trying to open the door?
Warm thoughts, Karen
September 30, 2012 at 10:06 pm
You know, I think she does suspect and sometimes I have this feeling that she’s on the verge of asking me but she stops and I don’t know what to do or say or even whether I’m ready for such a conversation. I guess we’ll see..Thanks Karen 🙂
August 5, 2013 at 7:09 am
I came out at 14. 15. 16 and then back to the closet until I was 20. My mother was devastated each time and tried to get me to go to one of those camps(religion played a big part), she told me she couldn’t accept it. My brother who is younger than me, who I wasn’t getting along with at the time, told my mother to accept me for who I was and not who I loved. 14.5 year old telling a grown woman, she listened and she began to understand, she felt guilty for trying to change what she couldn’t. She realized how her brother must feel and why he separated himself from the family. Now my relationship with my mother is like beyond great. I perform in drag every so often and my mother has even helped me get ready and wanted to come see a show. We went into a store once when i had my makeup on, and mother was ready to go to war because of the dirty look I received from a woman.
I guess what I’m saying, it’s gonna take some time but she’ll still love you the same.
August 5, 2013 at 7:51 pm
It’s ironic that the brother you weren’t getting along with was the one who brought your mother around. That she helps you prepare for shows is nothing short of beautiful. Sometimes I think she’ll be fine eventually, other times I don’t know. I just don’t know if I can put her through all that..