Well I finally came out to someone.
It wasn’t a member of my family or my “inner circle” of friends. It was a relatively new friend I had made a couple of years ago. We met met (funny enough) through church – the minister had tried to hook us up.That didn’t work but we somehow connected and our friendship grew. Considering that I haven’t been to church in a very long time (besides weddings and funerals), we still manage to see each other once every so often and
keep in touch – phone calls, email, that sort of thing. She’d always had this sense for knowing when I needed to talk to someone or just knowing when things were just not working out for me and would reach out – weird but much appreciated.
We met up and were just talking about this and that when the topic changed to relationships and I became very reluctant to continue. I was not in the mood for the dreaded “when are you getting married” charade and I die a little inside every time I have to pretend I’m “still looking for Ms Right”. I don’t know if my non-verbal cues were screaming “gay” because the next question she asked was “are you attracted to men?”
I have imagined a scenario like this many many times and how I would deny it such that it wouldn’t raise more questions or leave any lingering doubt. This time though, I just said “yes”.
We were both surprised. I don’t think she really expected that answer and on my part, I didn’t know what I was going to say until a microsecond before I did. We sat there quiet for a long minute. I began to panic. I had made a huge mistake. I started running through all our mutual contacts, wondering who she was going to tell. As if she read my mind, she told me not to worry, that she’ll keep it between us. We talked about other things – how I met people, if I’d been in any relationships, if I was being careful. However she went on to say that I needed to find a way to “overcome it” so I could live a “normal” life. I considered telling her that I am “normal” and that my problem really isn’t with being gay but with the problems that come from living the way I want. I decided to let it go for now. Sure, this decision may have been cowardly but I felt we had covered enough for one day.
I wonder if this means I can change my dating profile status from “Closet” to “Out to a few friends”.
One step at a time.